”Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”
Sounds about right for my house, my MS fatigue has hit me so hard at this time. Thank God for online shopping! But I have wrapped nothing yet, the thought is abhorrent to me.
Not really in the mood
I have not sent a single Christmas card (not even dropping them off at my neighbours) because it is such a gargantuan effort for me to write and send them. All of these things I am not managing to do are making me feel really sad.
I have always loved Christmas, but this year I’m not feeling jolly, the pressure around finding meaningful gifts, putting on a happy face, decorating the house, being in the Christmas spirit and doing anything at all is just a lot for me this year.
A healthy dose of guilt
Then there is the guilt of feeling this way, not showing people how much they mean to you or the worry surrounding that. So rather than ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, Christmas, for me this year, is shaping up to be depressing.
I don’t want to feel this way and I will still love seeing excitement on my loved ones faces as they open their gifts, but I just can’t shake this underlying feeling of iffy-ness. Not even over-indulgence in mince-pies is helping!
Did I feel this way last year? Honestly? I can’t remember, but probably. Which leads me to wonder how long I’ve actually felt like this.
I seem to be very good at pulling the wool over my own eyes, I put on a happy face so well even I start to believe it! I wouldn’t think that is a particularly healthy thing, but I think my stubborn belief in things gets me through a lot.
So in the spirit of Christmas (which I am a huge fan of, even though I’m not feeling it too much this year) let me go write some cards and wrap some presents using up as much energy reserves as I can muster.